Miss LDN

A coma might feel better than this
Attempting to discover where to begin
You’re weighed down, you’re full of something
Of sickness and desertion
You’re weighed down, you’re full of something
You’re underneath it all

So say goodbye to love
And hold your head up high
There’s no need to rush
We’re all just waiting
Waiting to die

Hope in a better place is all I need
With moments of innocence and mystery
Oh, it’s the little things you miss
Like waking up all alone
Oh, it’s the little things you miss
When you’re underneath it all

All your friends seem like enemies
When you’re broken down and empty
Oooh oooh
All your friends seem like enemies
When you’re broken down and empty
Ooooh oooh

I lie awake at night recounting every word I’ve said to you each day. Did I say anything too forward? What didn’t I say that I wanted to say? Did I tell you, you’re beautiful? Did I express how much I miss you? Did I tell you that you scare the shit out of me? That knowing you’ve been hurt before so many times breaks my heart. I talk too much. I fill silences with pointless streams of consciousness. There are times I share things with you and you respond with one word answer and suddenly I panic. I just want to share everything with you. This started out as choices just for me. Every choice I make now I consider you. I consider what I can do to make things easier for you. Brighter. I wish I could win the lottery tomorrow, neither of us would have to work for the rest of our days and we could just explore the world.

Why is it that the simplest ideas sound so perfect? The idea of rolling over and kissing the nape of your neck and in between your shoulder blades. Or when I woke up and you were still asleep, so I laid there and let my fingers trace your silhouette. I remember closing my eyes yet my fingers still gently traced the small designs on your arms. I told myself to stop and sleep but I couldn’t. I had to memorize you.

I know it’s too early to imagine saying such things but that four letter word - it runs through my mind constantly. I’ve never said it. I won’t say it. It holds my heart. Every fiber of my being is attached to it and I can’t just say it to anyone / everyone. But you’re not everyone. You’re not just anyone. I say it in my sleep to you. I say it in songs. I say it in the least direct way possible. Sorry, I’m passive. I’m analytical. I’ve been walked away from so many times. I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyones pretty good and bumping into it. “You hate being abandonded. I mean, everyone does but you more then others.”

Can I just ask you to stay?

here is a heart. here is a heart
i made it for you, so take it
battered and braised
grilled and sautéed
just how you like it, like it
you know i live to fill you up

blood of my blood,
dripping with love
i bring you a thing
you need most
silent between
supplies and machines
i hang in the corners like a ghost
you know i live to be seen through

no better way that i can see
to spend all the time
while you’re asleep
when holding your hands
inside of mine, mmmm
i wanna be here and nowhere else
rationing off bits of myself
so i can crumble at your side

sleep like the dead
through the noise in your head
while monitors click
and whirr and glow
i’m with you all day
and i still would stay
tomorrow and onward
just this close
you know i live to keep you safe, oh

no better way that i can see
to spend all the time
while you’re asleep
when holding your hands
inside of mine
i wanna be here and nowhere else
rationing off bits of myself
so i can crumble at your side

i can’t explain it
but i have to try
if you evaporate
the seas will rise
‘til they devour the sky

here is a heart. here is a heart
i made it for you, so take it
battered and braised
grilled and sautéed
just how you like it, like it

no better way that i can see
to spend all the time
while you’re asleep
when holding your hands
inside of mine
i wanna be here and nowhere else
rationing off bits of myself
so i can crumble at your side

I paused when I read the quote

“Don’t find yourself. Create yourself.”

I kind of feel like, when you’re born pieces of your soul shatter and are scattered everywhere. So as you go through life you start finding those pieces. You find the first few pretty quickly. Breathing. Eating.  Etc. But as time goes on it gets a little trickier. You find pieces that you think are a perfect fit but they’re not. Some are easy just to shake off and move on. Others you hold on to like you have to shove a square peg in a round hole. But you’ll let go of them eventually when you find the right pieces were there the whole time. Sometimes you can create pieces with ones that weren’t working. Make the picture come together with a little readjusting.

So I don’t think it’s JUST about finding yourself or JUST creating yourself. It’s an act of both. Find the things that are you but don’t be afraid to create new things.