Isn’t it funny how things happen? How things change so drastically and in such a way that you never imagined things to go the way they are. To be on a path you never saw yourself taking. Isn’t it weird to have things take such a turn that you barely have time to catch your bearings.
I don’t like bitching on the Internet. It just feels like I’m putting my feelings on display for people to critique, judge and crucify me for. I’m not looking for any of that. The way I feel is the way I feel, so be it. But I honestly am at a point in my life that I’ve never been and I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s a weird sensation. I feel like I’m suspended in the air. Just hanging, carelessly floating along, and at any moment I’m going to fall. And when I do finally fall, I’m going to fall harder then I’ve ever fallen before. I’m making every effort to set up safety wires. I’m making plans for the future and working on goals of mine but those could very easily be undone. It’s like I want to stop going, just be suspended in this weird void of anything. I know I can’t, deep down I don’t want to be but at the same time I do. The risk of failing or getting hurt is so vast and so intimidating.
All of my friends who think that I'm blessed,They don't know my head is a mess
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. …You’ll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it’s just gone. And you can never get it back. It’s like you get homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. I mean it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
Everyone keeps telling me that I don’t have to move out tomorrow, I don’t have to move out tomorrow, but-
I can’t help but feel so stressed. I’m so torn on what the HELL to do with my life! WHAT DO I DO!?! I mean I’m a musician and that’s what I’m gonna do, I got that bit down; but where do I go? I love Chicago. I really do. Chicago will always be home to me. No matter where I live or go I will always be ‘London from Chicago’. Being on the road and being know that your from Chicago is such a cool thing, I don’t know how to explain it but it’s really fun. But I can’t afford Chicago. My mom wants to move from where we live now and I don’t wanna go with her. I just don’t feel the need to box up all of my shit, move it into a place I don’t want to live, when I plan on moving out. Why not cut out the bull shit and instead of going A - B - C, why not just jump from A to C?
If I can’t afford Chicago, where am I gonna live? I have honestly looked EVERYWHERE. I’ve looked in other countries thats how badly I want to move. I can’t afford London (boo!) but let me just say their flats are the coolest most modern looking places! I love it.
But realistically, I’m looking at Nashville and San Antonio/Austin.
My mind goes back and forth on what to do. I loved the vibe of Nashville, besides Broadway and the whole country scene it had a pretty cool vibe. We ended up at this really cool cafe that totally reminded me of this cafe in Chicago that I love. I liked that there was a city vibe to it, but everything was spread out enough that it wasn’t too chaotic or overwhelming. But I don’t know anyone in Nashville. I know, I know, I’ll make friends and all that jazz, but I feel socially retarded when it comes to making friends in a brand new city. I don’t even know where to start. Bleh, that’s the least of my concerns.
As for San Antonio/Austin it seems like a pretty cool place to live. My friend Phil lives down there and already said he’d room with me and he’d be such an awesome roommate. We lived together for a couple of days when I was down in Texas and it was such a blast. I can’t imagine the good times and chaos we’d cause living together lol. But here’s my thing with SA/Austin: - I saw some of the city but I was more there for work then I was for sight seeing so I didn’t really get to feel the whole vibe of SA. - I’m kind of a fall/spring kinda of girl. Texas has four seasons: summer, summer, summer, spring. - I know Austin has a good music scene, I mean SXSW is hosted down there. But I can’t really recall a lot of artists that have come from there that aren’t country. I’m just worried about the music scene there. I just felt like in Nashville the music scene was so in your face and in SA I didn’t get the chance to find that.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I’m constantly on Craigslists and other rental sites looking at places to live and I don’t know where to go. Ultimately I’m leaving everything. My friends, my family, connections I’ve made. It’s like starting all over again. And that’s scary. 100% scary.